Well, I'm getting ready to hit the hay, but I have so much on my mind, so I thought I'd ramble through it real quick.
I've found myself over sensitive and often over dramatic here lately. I do or say things, and then wonder why I did. I'm gonna be honest and say that I think I'm a little insecure and scared.
I feel like my life has been full of people walking away. My Dad left when I was really little, and never really cared to see to much of me. I had a "best friend" for about 7 years, and then they moved on. Then I found someone else who I thought was a really good friend and someone who would always be around, and then she just walked away too. Only so many people can walk out of your life before you start to think that you're the problem. I think I have this paranoia now that anyone I really care about or get close too, is going to get enough and be like the others have been, and just let me go too. & as most of you know, I'm not good at letting go.
So...maybe I have blown tiiiny things out of proportion lately, but I'm honestly just scared that the few friends I've found that I truly care about, are gonna one day wake up and see what all those others saw, and simply move on. Which is why I don't like people talking about my character or personality flaws...or how shitty the place I live is. I don't need people talking me down.
It's all a silly thought I know, but for some reason, alot of things have just been heavy on my heart lately. I haven't thought about my Dad in a long time, and then all of a sudden, I start to think about him again...and i don't know why, and there's no way of dealing with the situation that will please everyone involved. & I still can't let go of a friend who has done nothing but make me feel bad about myself the past 5 times I've saw her...and sometimes I just don't know what else to do to let go.
Now I think I unintentionally push people away. I can become a clingy type of person...I think it's just this fear that if I don't talk to people enough, they'll just fade away with the rest of them.
Way overreacter am I. I'm working on it.
Anyway, gonna hit the hay...I have work until 6 tomorrow, then Holly and me are gonna make dinner for our sister and take her to see "My Sisters Keeper" for her birthday. It should be a really good night of good sister bonding, so I'm looking forward to that.
OKIE love. <--still the best kind.
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