I just got back from Nashville on Thursday, and I must say that it was the most different Nashville trip I've ever been on. I'm so accustomed to hitting town...hard. I do all the touristy things and go to the downtown bars like they won't be there next time I am, haha. This time it was definitely a different atmosphere and feeling. I found myself napping on the couch and watching movies....sitting on the back deck talking and taking hikes. One of my friends told me I'm growing into it...and I guess that's it. Not a bad thing. Loved it.
I've had a lot on my mind. Surprising, right? ;) But no, I feel like I have had this one big weight on my shoulder for...seriously a year or better. I think I am such a bad communicator, which in the long run isn't good at all, I am a communication major, ha. lovely. I went through a really hard time with a friend awhile back...and just could never let it go. It's just that little voice in my head ALWAYS saying hold on. I don't want to hold on. My heart has always been a clinger though. This last week I had off feelings...and while they were goin on, I wasn't really sure how to handle them. Seems I always do it the wrong way. Now, the two situations intertwine a little...I kinda hate to say that because they are on their own level, and nothing the same when looked at circumstantially, but they both taught me the same lesson. I have spent a lot of time trying to blame faults on everyone but myself. In the first mentioned situation, honestly the friendship just faded...we both looked at life different, and there's nothing wrong with that. I tried to fault this other person, and really I was just sad to see someone that i need, realize that they don't need me anymore. But people, that's just part of life. I've spent the past year trying to justify my bad attitude about it, and figure out where the grudge came from...and I can't even remember. Life comes with change...and when the winds of change blow your way...you have to let them. I just think of all of the energy I've wasted, and that's time you can't get back. I mentioned my heart was a clinger...and that is one of my faults and blessings I think. I care a lot about people, and i give with all of my heart, always. That's good, right? Yeah. But at the same time I'm the worlds most selfish person at times. I don't mean to be, and usually don't realize it until i'm looking in the rearview saying...oh...my bad. I give a lot, but at the same time, I unintentionally expect too much out of people. I think part of it is just that little bit of me worrying that everyone who means anything to me is eventually gonna fade like that one person did. A little part of me needs people to need me as much as i need them. So silly...but that's how my heart works. I think that in itself scares people away from me sometimes because it makes me look like this selfish little brat who cares more about herself than others, but i swear that's not me...quite opposite.
Anyway...i don't know if that made any sense, maybe? If not it's ok, because sometimes my thoughts don't make sense to me either. But hey...it was good to get out, senseless or not. ;)
A song for thought....:)
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby
In this world there's a whole lot of pain
In this world there's a whole lot of trouble
But a whole lot of ground to gain
Why take when you could be giving, why watch as the world goes by
It's a hard enough life to be living, why walk when you can fly
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
In this world there's a whole lot of shame
In this world there's a whole lot of sorrow
And a whole lotta ground to gain
When you spend your whole life wishing, wanting and wondering why
It's a long enough life to be living, why walk when you can fly
In this world there's a whole lot of cold
In this world there's a whole lot of blame
In this world you've a soul for a compass
And a heart for a pair of wings
There's a star on the far horizon, rising bright in an azure sky
For the rest of the time that you're given, why walk when you can fly
OKIE love. :)
-Lyssa
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